I really don't know what it is. I feel stupid, small, pedestrian. I just feel boring.

I miss her. I love her and things happened, and now I miss her. It seems so pedantic. Isn't that what happens to everyone?

I can't smell, so I don't ever get overcome by a fragrance and whatever. I don't know, obviously. But sometimes I feel like I get a sembelance of this effect. A phrase, "I'm going to Brazil", just an answer to stupid boring conversation with friends I haven't seen, but I can't help myself. Our last conversation. She said, "I"m going to Brazil". And I can't help thinking about the stupid, boring e-mails I forced myself to write her. I don't know why. She does not reach out to me anymore. And I think about the desprate lonely e-mails I couldn't keep myself from writing. Because I am friendless here, and I am alone here, and I can't help but remember, I don't know. Her by my side. The feeling like there was a future.

And I feel so boring. Why isn't there a future without her? There was before her. But now that seems idiotic. Sex, drugs and more girls. I think I'm too old and too intellectual for that now. And even that's boring. Am I ever going to do anything that isn't what everyone else does?

I think that's the part I hate most about all of this. I fucked around and lied and got wasted and suddenly I woke up a boring loser.

And part of me feels like it's karmic. I don't know. Like I needed to feel this. I've lied to so many people. I ran into an ex. One who I broke up with in a most abrupt way, to summarize lightly. Within the first few minutes of conversation she asks me if I'm seeing anyone. It makes me feel like such a dick. Part of me wants to lie and say I am just to avoid the conversation and akwardness of her still fucking wanting me. After all my bullshit. And I feel like such an asshole. Do I unconsiously prey on these people? Or worse do I rationalize it as sexual conquest?

Just another boring loser. Easily explained away as the typical asshole.