I really don’t understand it. What is it that they see in me? Why the hell are white bread middle of the road chicks, with some kind of moralistic mentality, and limited experience always becoming attracted to me? What the hell do they see in me? I mean, I don’t think I can be more up front about who I am. I am basically a mess. Even in my best of times, I was wasted but productive. I guess that’s where I am now, again. I am hoping a better and longer wave then the others. But anyway, I don’t make it seem like I want anything but sex and drugs, and I offer only sex and drugs. Okay, these days sex and weed, but still.
I don’t mean that totally literally. I just mean, I don’t want to hurt anyone, I’m not trying to jump into meaningless relationships. I’m way to old for that, and I have proven whatever I felt I needed to prove with that. I mean, I need SOMETHING to even just have sex with someone. But I make it clear that I’m not looking for anything serious. Fuck, I hope I make it clear I don’t take anything seriously, period. If you are cool and want to be friends, and get blasted and go places and whatever? Okay, cool. If you’re going to hang out and flirt every time you do? Okay me too. If you’re going to let me in your pants? DUH!
I mean, if it’s like a choice between you and your hipster friends and some art show, or my friends and me getting stoned and going to bars, where I can hit on drunk chicks because I’m the stoned sober driver. DUH! But I mean, smoking joints in the back of a bar and hanging with my drunken philosopher friends is fun. Going to an art gallery of some person I have never heard of, which will probably consist of me being mildly buzzed and stoned around a bunch of pretensous asshole hipsters, which are the prime targets of my torment and public nonsensical ridicule, doesn’t really appeal to me. Okay, it does. But not when a girl I want to impress is involved. So in a way it’s a compliment. But no. Really. In a choice between that and hanging at a bar when I can hit on a bunch of chicks with my friends? The answer is no.
And really, how, after any interaction with me, any conversation full of my rambling recollections do you have any concept of me as being anything else? I really do not understand. I am not looking for girlfriend. I am as anti-marriage, anti- family, anti-child as I can be without it becoming really negative, because I understand that this is how I like my life. So that’s it. I will not change. I will never settle down. I will never be all domestic like that. My life will always be hectic and erratic and sometimes, yes, destructive. And yet, even after knowing all this, you get all but hurt when I’m like, “No, I think I’ll drive the guys to a bar”… which you fucking just suggested to me. So fine be all butt hurt and send me text message after text message saying, “NO DON'T CALL ME LATER THERE IS NO LATER”, and don’t be surprised when I don’t’ call you. Because unlike every other dude you have dealt with, I DON'T FUCKING CARE.
I mean, sometimes I can do the whole monogamous thing. When I meet someone really cool and their like, “Yeah, we can be friends and you can sleep with me, but we can’t be friends and sleep together while you sleep with other girls.” I mean I can respect that, I’m not come uncontrollable beast, but only if they can respect that this is a temporary agreement, yes it might last a while, but still temporary. And only if it’s worth it. Otherwise I have no problem being friends. I don’t ever say, intimate, or pretend any different. I think it is pretty obvious and well known who I am.
So I really don’t understand? What do they see in me? What the hell do they expect?
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